Tingling. Euphoric. Mind-blowing. Out of this world.
I just had the greatest orgasm of my life but why does my chest feel so heavy?
Why do I feel so sad and guilty all of a sudden?
Is there something wrong with me?
If you ever experience feelings of unexplainable sadness, irritability, or guilt after sex, masturbation, or any other sexual activity, you may have post-coital dysphoria (PCD), or post-orgasm blues – just like I do.
If you’re short on time and can’t finish this article, let me share a quick takeaway:
- Post-orgasm blues is absolutely normal,
- There is nothing wrong with you,
- You are not alone, and
- There are healthy ways that can help you cope
But if you’re interested in hearing more about my experience as well as other women’s, feel free to read on.
From confusion and shame to acceptance
I have been experiencing PCD (post-orgasm shame) since I was a teen and I wish someone would have told me that there was nothing wrong with me then. Every time I’d get those feelings, I’d always think it was because I did something ‘sinful,’ and it was my subconscious’s way of expressing its guilt. Poor teenage me.
Now that I have gotten much older, it still happens occasionally. Though when it does, it feels REALLY heavy.
Like staring-in-the-ceiling–for-five-minutes-thinking-about-how-living-is-the-most-miniscule-part-of-existence-and-that-life-inherently-has-no-meaning kind of heavy.
Weird, right? One moment, you’re lost in ecstasy, the next, overwhelmed by heavy emotions.
The good thing is, I’ve come to understand that post-orgasm blues are more common than I thought. Somehow, it’s comforting to know that many others share similar experiences, and this realization has helped me feel less alone and well… more normal.
As a matter of fact, a 2015 study revealed that 46% of people have felt this way at least once in their lives. And while 5.1% experience depressive symptoms after sex recently, 2% deal with PCD regularly.
understanding the causes
While there is still very limited amount of research that tackles the underlying cause of why this happens, researchers believe that multiple factors could lead to these feelings, including but not limited to:
- A hormonal response
- Sexual abuse
- Your personal relationship with porn
- Growing up in an environment that shames sex
- General anxiety, stress, or depression
- And several other reasons
I grew up in a conservative, religious household where sex was whispered about like it was some kind of forbidden fruit, so
discovering self-pleasure filled me with so much guilt and self-disgust that sometimes lingers even now, more than a decade later.
strategies that work for me
Luckily, I’ve found ways to cope. Journaling helps me process these feelings, and managing my stress and anxiety makes a big difference as well. If you want to read further on my personal coping strategies, I’ve shared my own processes in another blog post.
Another thing I am also thankful to have discovered is audio erotica. My personal favorites are the ones that include aftercare because instead of ruminating on my own thoughts, I could just fall asleep to Mr. Robinson telling me how beautiful and wonderful I am. If you don’t know Mr. Robinson yet, check this video out and you can just thank me later.
Best Kept Secret has a wide array of immersive audio erotica you can fulfill your fantasies with. So whether you’re looking for something quick and straight to the point or something more passionate with more foreplay, they surely have an audio perfect for what you’re looking for.
But more importantly, Best Kept Secret has a strong and supportive community that has been a great avenue for me to talk about my own experience with PCD and learn more about others’.
Here are just a couple of examples of what other women have said about their experience with post-orgasm shame (you can read the full discussion on post-o shame here):
“I feel shameful after I do. Idk why because I really don’t have a reason for it. I feel like I’m a horrible person after I masturbate. Listening to erotic audios have helped because there is aftercare on them which has really helped a lot.” -Jenna on BKS Patreon
“As someone who (unfortunately) got into porn at a younger age it definitely has to do with your relationship with sex. For me it took awhile before I realized that I wasn’t totally alone but still it takes a lot of practice to be kind to yourself.” -Makena
“I’ve been caught masturbating by my parents multiple times. The worst time was when my mom caught me watching stuff and screamed at me for 30 minutes. I was scared, frozen, pants down, just crying the whole time. Since then, anything sexual has brought me so much shame and this horrible feeling of disgust. I was jealous of those who could masturbate or discuss sex normally.” -Syrena
Sometimes, you’d find a comment so hauntingly relatable.
“When I was a lot younger, I would need a moment to collect myself after orgasming like a goddamn animal; listening to the deafening silence which quickly turned into a ringing… reconnecting with my body after feeling so outside of myself. Which would then be followed by embarrassment.” -Dort on BKS Patreon
“I grew up in a very strict religious household. My mother’s version of ‘healthy sexuality’ was “Jesus is everywhere. He’s standing at the end of the bed. What are you going to do, masturbate in front of him?” Which is kind of a weird thing to lay on an 8-year old who hadn’t even tried that stuff yet.” -Ceri on BKS Patreon
And sometimes, you’d find a comment you can learn or gain insights from.
“When I first found EA (erotic audio), I wouldn’t listen to anything that mentioned rough sex, doms, or degradation. I felt ashamed around those ideas. But I vividly remember the first EA I listened to that mentioned rough sex and aftercare. I almost turned it off but when I got to the aftercare part, I had a light bulb moment. That was a huge part I was missing before. The backstory, the build up, the aftercare really made the difference to let go of that shameful feeling about having an orgasm to those role plays.” -Mags
“I think that with porn, you just jump straight into it; no “warm up”… just masturbating to act made me feel gross. We women need to be warmed up and we know that sex begins outside the bedroom! We need to feel seen, appreciated, desired, worshiped, validated, during and waaay before any physical sexual foreplay. We get all that with most audio erotica. We get a story, and then the sexual tension before the act… even if it is the nastiest of the audios with tons of kinkiest shit and humiliation prior to the act, this building up to it is so important.” -Liv
Several other people have found BKS’ audios to be helpful in their own personal journey regarding sex and masturbation.
“I am an incest survivor the erotic audios helped me reclaim my body from the post-shame I get every time I would masturbate. The audios helped me feel better about having an O and figuring out what I liked.” -Autumn
“Not to put my husband in a negative light, but he is just not a romantic person. He tries, but aftercare is something he struggles with. My sex drive is higher, I’m all around more emotional about sex, and aftercare helps me calm down. I experience pretty sharp sub drops, and my husband doesn’t always know how to settle me down. Erotic audios help me enjoy the whole experience, even post-orgasm moments. Whereas that is usually the worst part of sex for me.” -Joey
And others have found it to be a huge help in improving their relationships with sex and their partners.
“I used to be shamed for using my safeword with my ex. Until I found BKS and my current husband, I didn’t realize that using the safeword, even if things were going well, was used for check-ins, overstimulation, and so much more. Through your audios, my husband and I have both actually been able to explore one another’s fantasies safely and understand how to provide proper aftercare.” -Danielle
“It has always been hard for me to ask for the things I want in the bedroom. I usually just let the other person enjoy and act out their kinks but for me, I have always had a problem asking for my kinks or fantasies. After listening to BKS, I gained a new outlook. That I shouldn’t be ashamed to ask for what I want or what I want to try. And I love it. My partner lovessss for me to explain what I want to try.” -Rose
Dealing with post-orgasm blues or PCD has been a journey of learning about myself and growing. By facing my thoughts and feelings, finding ways to cope, and finding supportive groups, I’ve found comfort and acceptance with what I go through. So remember, you’re not the only one going through this and I hope this knowledge keeps you from wondering if there’s something wrong with you.
It’s okay to explore and enjoy pleasure.
Doing so will you know more about yourself, understand your own limits, and build healthy relationships with yourselves and others.
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